Existential problems

     An existential crisis is when you doubt whether your existence has any purpose or reason. Existential nihilism is the philosophy that the universe is devoid of meaning or context. There is no God, no good or evil, no beginning or end, no motive force; only what there is here, alone, empty. It is perhaps the most depressing of all philosophies.

     A panic attack is a physiological condition that occurs when the same bodily processes initiated by the release of adrenaline are overstimulated due to some chemical imbalance. Symptoms include increased heart rate, nausea, panic, derealization (the perception that nothing is real), and a feeling that something awful is going to happen. People who suffer from panic attacks often describe them as the single most unpleasant thing they have ever experienced by far.

     What I have, then, is best described as existential anxiety attacks. I will begin to speculate, despite knowing I should not, about the nature of reality. I will begin to flirt with thoughts of existential nihilism, and it will so horrify me that I will begin to have an anxiety attack; much like a panic attack, but with milder symptoms and a short duration. It leaves me feeling ill, exhausted and depressed. The only way I can escape is by ignoring it and thinking forcibly of something else. Sometimes I consider the possibility that there may be a God. This helps somewhat, although the same arguments and lines of logic that disturbed me in the first place may still overwhelm this. Also, I find the probability that there is a God very low based on the evidence I have gathered.

     It's a very tiring thing to wrestle with and generally uncool. I've signed up for counseling. I hope it helps.

     Also, if you're my future self and you've managed to forget about this problem: sorry for reminding you. Good luck.