Insomnia

After much thought I have come to the decision that I am going insane.

It isn't a thing with attributes. It's just there and BURNING BURNING BURNING all the time some of the time. Black boiling turning swirling churning tar in my head like beez like buzzing black bile that makes me want to vomit. Soon it will begin to show. I hope I can still do my best trick, the Straight Man trick, I know you who reads always did love that one, do you remember how Straight I was back when when everyone marveled in awe in my supreme Straightness? A stern face and a solid diction and a peculiarly Straight way of dressing Hello My Name Is Sir Young White Male With No Accent And Clear Diction Money Please Thank You And Good Day. What a fucking farce that way. I'm batshit now and more every day and I can't say I love it but goddamn if it isn't me. GOD DAMN. Fucking God fucking Damn. Fucking fuck fuck head spinning turning noise silent buzzing. Can't get this shit out. Love it. LOVE IT FUCKING NOISE. Don't love it at all, really. Sort of sad sometimes about having lost who I was. We all do anyways. No use mourning. Good place to be crazy too. But I'll have to play the Straight game for a while longer just a while. Fool some HR bitch who thinks he's smart. Bright young college grad with a head on his shoulders and a degree on his wall and JUST A FUCKING MORON. Fucking morons everywhere not just janitors and grease monkeys they just got unlucky. White-collar Fred got fucking lucky and got sent off to SCHOOL to LEARN A TRADE and he's every last bit as motherfucking idiot as the rest of the drooling fucks. Play the straight game work a job get some money and FUCKING BAIL. Fucking straight game is probably what's driving me crazy anyways. Crazy moron fuckers with their money game.

Wish I could sleep now. Too much buzzing. Don't even need the tabs for it anymore. Don't fucking gloat. I hear you gloating, bitch. And I don't want your goddamned pity either. I'm fucking FINE FINE FINE so piss off. You're probably still pissed about the other night. I fucking tried, okay? I always fucking try. Sometimes I just can't fucking take it anymore especially with the fucking BUZZ BUZ BEEZ in my fucking head and then you come in and refuse to understand anything or accept answers or do the obvious things I've told you to do for years and years now. But still I fucking try and when I ask for a break, when I ask for one rain check, you flip the fuck out on me. Whatever. I don't care. I always forgive you. No fucking choice anymore, not for years. Phone is dead. Surprise surprise. Making it a priority to charge it in the morning. Fucking charging fuck fuck fuck. Fuck expletives in my fucking head turning chasing circling over over fuck fuck fuck easy short guttural whats not to love fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck you fuck me fuck us all in an apple tree YEAH GOT MY FUCKING IAMBS IN A ROW. IAMB LAMBS little Bo Beep rhythmic sheep can't fucking sleeeeeeeeeeep. First honest piece of writing in ten fucking years. Better be proud. Be a fucking writer now, that's my future, fucking future how I fucking hate you motherfucker shit fuck hell damn open up a can of SPAM. Fucking birds at four AM every fucking morning what the fuck are you calling for sun isn't up shit's down skipped town so SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUT UP SO I CAN SLEEP FUCKING BIRDS.

Psychosis isn't the word. Also skipped on: Crazy, insane, delusional. My personal favorite as of now: Deranged. Not all the way insane, you see. Not completely disconnected from reality. Just a little off just A LITTLE FUCKING OFF just like someone slipped and twiddled the volume knob and now no-one can find the manual to set the fucking thing straight again so IM JUST A LITTLE FUCKING OFF every now and then and always and forever. Getting worse getting better I like to ponder these things serious shit man serious fucking shit got to think it all through cause thats my speed and style thats how I roll yo if we can just sit the FUCK down and chill the FUCK out and think this all the FUCKING WAY through we can get a grip on it with our ADAMANTINE FUCKING JAWS OF LOGIC and crush that motherfuckers skull like every other logic problem that ever had the fucking balls to show its face to me stupid motherfuckers all. Just cant.....quite....get a grip on the fucker squiggly wiggly slippery fucker darting in and out and all about and not really a cerebral thing you see more of an emotional one more of a gut thing in the head in the gut in the throat squirming around in my digestive tract popping in to fuck with the brain and sliding back away down the back door to hide in the gut while the cops are scrambling up in the head taking fingerprints and DNA samples Officer Friendly scratching his head saying how did that sonofabitch get away again police chief getting more pissed every day pounding his fist on the table chewing the PI's ass I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND I WANT HIM NOW. Fucking miracle pills are useless too might even be the cause running out tomorrow and OH LAWS what EVER will we do then fucking HOPELESS without my MIRACLE FUCKING PILLS. Might just have to cut myself what else can you do when THE PILLS run out not a lot of hope left when THE PILLS run out sun shine goes to rainy days can't seem to see the brighter side without the MIRACLE FUCKING PILLS I always knew I would resent. Probably need to ditch that shit. Just need something dank a pretty skank a septic tank and something to scrawl on scrawl all this shit right the fuck out of my head in my special little chickenshit chicken-scratch scrawl that nobody can read but you and me and all the angels up in Heaven Praise Jesus May He Rest In Peace. Scrawl some shit out half-enlightened clawing at my eyes looking for the truth hearing shitty music head buzzing mind screaming masses eyes gleaming live streaming looking gazing gaping oohing ahhing awestruck step up see the amazing SICK FUCK WRITER only about a FUCKING BILLION of these left in the world so don't miss this ONCE in a LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY barks the barker fucking farker.

Oh, fucking sleep. Do you forgive me yet? I'm so fucking sorry for whatever I did. I love you. Please take me back. It can be like it used to be, you and me, together, happy. We can forget all this shit and just love one another again silently on the couch in bed on the floor it doesn't matter babe I'll do it however you want wherever you want whenever you want just TAKE ME THE FUCK BACK I'm so sorry no shh so sorry for shouting that wasn't me babe that was the FUCKING BATSHIT CRAZIES talking just ignore that motherfucker and we can shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh our way down to sleepy lullaby land together and be in love again. That's right. Close my eyes. Sleep. Silent still restful agonized black dark quiet FUCKING FUCKING BIRDS FUCKING shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Shush little baby don't say a word Momma's gonna kill all those GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING BIRDS.

It gets so tiring after a while that you just run out and there's nothing left to do but collapse on the couch and run down like an old tire tumbling lazily through the hardpan cracked dried dust lakebottom with the sagebrush and the gila monsters and the lost little Russian mice stuck in tumbleweeds it rolls on and stops and rolls over and turns and tumbles crazily like a coin and winds down down down and lies dead in the dirt while the winds starts to bury it in sand. You wake up in the morning ha ha what morning it is morning moron you wake up int he evening you wake up some fucking time and time didn't even go by you were just unconscious you didn't sleep you didn't dream but thank God the night is done at least because you're too far gone to fucking care. It left and left you alone and it's all over now so let's suit up for a new day a new fucking day and pray the sun stays up because even though you hate the fucking sun at least everyone else is awake and nobody expects you to sleep.