I am not sure you understand how difficult and painful it can be.

     You are accustomed to men who, when they have found what they want, seek it unhesitatingly. I like to consider myself intellectual, refined, and self-controlled; so I resist. You have scorn for those who pursue you openly. I sympathize with them. I know how hard it can be to be "adult." When it is necessary to pull away, I do it. When a piece of silliness is suddenly off-key, I cut the cord. It hurts to finish them, and I am ashamed that they ever happened. You should not blame the men who are only men, and you should not underestimate how devoutly I wish to be a stone.

Black Eyed Peas and Sauerkraut

I live in a dormitory. I use iTunes to listen to my music. I have family sharing turned on. This means that periodically, I can see other peoples' music libraries and even listen to their music. Their libraries are named for them; "John Smith's library." This evening I saw a library up and I had an unusual idea. At my college, email addresses are generated based on a person's full name. So I went through the songs until I found a particularly embarrassing one; Fergalicious. It had been rated five stars. I used my spam email account to send the individual an email. Subject: Fergalicious. Message: Five stars? Really?

Evil? Perhaps. The library disappeared minutes later. It's probably a coincidence.

Later I got very hungry and had the only non-breakfast foodstuff in my refrigerator; seven-month-old sauerkraut. It doesn't satiate, exactly; it's more of a hunger annihilation. As in, after eating a few forkfuls of aged sauerkraut I lose all desire to eat food ever again. I worry that it may be dissolving its plastic container. Oh well.

April 7, 2010 stream-of-consciousness

so here we go now night three i am listening to gogol bordello the sng is called harem in tuscany i just watched the first third of an interview of al sharpton by stephen colbert lets just say this al sharpton seems to be a bit of a douchebag i mean im sure he does nice things for people but hes very stiff and was rude to colbert today i was walking and a had a black thought one of those thoughts that make my gut clench and my heart race only this time it didnt i think im getting better at letting it go its called cognitive closure it means i am a human and i will die and i know that after that is when i will have to deal with these things if ever since there wont really be an i then i;; be all apart i thought of it like this would you be afraid of being split into two people would you be afraid of being split into three for five how many until it isnt you any more how more until you are dead well we die all the time im not the same person i used to be that person is dead many many times over it doesnt bother me so the thought of a more abrupt change shouldnt either and in any case theres nothing ican do about it so there no point in worrying today i wore a new shirt its a very light color i dont normally wear colors so light i worried all day about whther the color contrast between it and my jeans was too great and whether it was making my jeans look too blue and whether i looked professional enough for work i know its silly and vain to think like that especially all day but i ahave always been very self-conscious about my appearance even though i like to act like im not and recently i have gotten even more sensitive about it because  am trying to attract women i have run out of things to say and tecnholoicx by daft punk is annoying me no irritiating no distracting yes thats what its doing i dont like this song a lot and i would change it but i cant stop typing at a very dfast reat until thes page is full i have to keep typing what a silly experiment i dont know why im still doing it nothing has come of it yet but then maybe someone else would disagree maybe they would look at this and say wow this means a lot maybe in the future i will read this and it will be like a note from a person who is dead because in the duute future i will be dead but i want my future me to know who i was this is a message to him i will haunt him as i am haunted by the ghosts of every me i have ever been they are all daed and thaey hang about my head in a swarm and sometimes i hear their sad memories and sometimes they grip me when i go to do a thing and sometimes i feel the feelings they used to feel but they are not me who i am now i have changed a lot and even if i had only changed a little it would still be this way cliffs ocean i remember the poem i wrote for you marie it was a poem about the sea i was only curious i remember i the poem it was nothing too serious it was nothing too big it was not a big deal just a passing thing i hope in time that can be true it is too much to me now it is too much i want it to be less i want anothr i want a person to have and to hold and to know me and iw ill know her and we will be together i know i type about this a lot it makes sense i think about it a lot it is my number one riority but i lack the skills and th courage i complain constantly and thn get nothing done i know it must irritate those around me who watch me do it james says i am doing much better but he walways says things like that he walways tries ot be friendly and encouraging like that what does he know marie would diasagree i am sure i am sure i am not sur ei don tknow i hate this song oh its over now its walk of life i like this song much more i thought of playing dwarf fortress the other day but i think i will not i did no work whatsoever today at work but i was thee for seven hours then i cahrged for eight because i needed to hit twenty hours amm i guilty sometimes yes a litle but not nearly eough melanie gave me elftover easter candy and christina didnt want any so i took it back to my desk and ate most of it i ate it and i didnt shareany of it i will get fat i know i wont because i dnt eat a lot now i wish id shared it but its to late wll its not oto late for tomorrow i have four kisses left i will give them to the people in the lab but i still had most of them i didnt make my donation to the food bank for my last two paycheck i feel bad about that too but feeling bad isnt going to feed the homeless why are they homeless anyways it isnt my probelm these ants thereyre everywhee theres one on my desk now i cant kill them because all of a sudden i love animals a lot like not that i am enthusiastic about them its just that when i go to kill an animal i think that they have feelings, they have qualia, i am sure that for ants especially they are nowhere near as complex as mine i am sure they dont hae lives or even emotions but still they have something and i cant just take that wayay life is awesome and i cant do decreasing it for no good reason so i tolerate them now times up

April 7, 2010 dream

I dreamed that my family were all visiting a new store in town run by demons and/or Satan. At this store you could improve any aspect of your life, but you would have to trade for other bad things; the cashier would input your desires, a computer database would return the payment, and you could review them before accepting or rejecting. My father went there and purchased a number of wishes, the biggest and only of which I can remember being to get my sister and her family a new home, as in the dream they were living in a shack. The terms included the fact that one of my parents' cars would be totaled, a recoverable injury resulting in not more than six months' hospital stay, and an uneven amount of money a little less than six dollars. My father accepted. On our way back home, we were riding in our old chevy Blazer with the windows down. It had a molded plastic piece between the front seats where you could set rows of change, presumably for paying tolls. In the dream it had a loose assortment of coins sitting in it. As we were going over a bridge it more or less disintegrated beneath us, and our car began to plummet to the bottom of the canyon below. I remember watching the coins drift lazily out the window before I woke up.

April 6, 2010 stream-of-consciousness

here i am again embarking on another of these writey things where i write without stopping until either i fill this page of my ginfgers cramp so badly i cant keep going tonight i went out with the biomed group no thats not it what is it the llc the living learning community what is it human alteration thats it we went to where we went to johns we went to jimmys where is it where was it it was somehwere it was a deli i go ts soup with broccoli and cheese there were free cornbreah muffins and free gingerbread muffisn and free ice cream my typing is getting worse all of a sudeen then we went to see repo men oh yeah they had these crackers they were cheddar and punmpkin whole grain crackers they had green pumpkin seeds in them they were very good i stole four i kept them in my pocket and tried to give one to [Catherine] who i like but she saw that they had schaedder which okay that was awful cheddar cheddar cheddar which i saw before too but forgot and of coure since shes a vegan she cant have cheddar because it is cheese and cheese is from milk and milk is from cows and laws no we cant be enslaving teh coews that one was intentional not the cows it should have been coews the taht that was no the teh thats it i wouldnt do that accidentally unless i did i suppose i might anyways i wanted to be nice and kit on her not hit on her no no im doing it all wrong this is so stupid that i cant go back and fix them i was trying to hit on her to hit on her because i think she is pretty nice but it failed but nonethless she asked oh did you save them just for me which seemed encouraging to me it seemed good that she would think that she seemed to apreciate it the other day [Marie] was telling me how is huosld okay fuck shit i hate this she was telling me how i should hit on her and i pictured it taking place in an elevator and then just the next morning we were in an elevator together but hs ewas in a fokaksidi i hate this i really do the next morning she and i were in the elevator together but she was in a very bad mood and did not seem to know i was there she did not say hello to me when i said hello to her so i gave up she has a muffin top anyways so boo to you there [Catherine] you are not a pretty person i do not need you i will find someone better and prettier and less like a lesbian like [Parker] except [Blondie] has [Parker] and [Marie] wont date me and who was it [James] he geot got togo gog ooo he got to [Adair] first that makes me mad sometimes i want her and sometimes ic an cnnnn i can let it go sometimes and just let them be together i am no t sure i an am am am i am not sure i am doing this right i thinki may may may i think i may be doing this wrong i think maybe it is okay to slow down just  alittle and fix my typings but maybe that is not the point maybe i am goind no totototo maybe i am doing it right maybe this is right i am not sure but i do know that my arms are statarting i do know that my arms are starting to get tired i am starting to repeat myself there is no poitn in this if i am communicating nothing but at the same time i am typing faster an d faster and i feel a sort of a hypnosis slipping over me where i care elss about wha ti ama typing and only that i keep typing i guess this is when the psychobalbllbe shit is supposed ot happen and i let out al  my repressed memories of being molested and that shit how do you believe that shit [Marie] frued was such a hack i mean he haelped the people he helped the people by trweating them like people and he treated psychology like a science that was great but he only ever studied fucked uip people so he got fucked up theories so his claims they are not valid they have been disporven mayn thimes they were primitive they cannot be used for treatment hey are no good the crackers though they were so goo doso about repo men it sucked it was afwul fthe the i the thehhhh the ending was good though it was okay he got hit on the head nad hen for the last aprt of the movie it was all crazy action and i thought it was just the climax and the deveopers had unabashedly cast aside what little reamained th of the of the realism of the film but it turned out he was hallucinating and stuff so it was okayer i felt like they were saying the fact that you dolts bought this as the real ending is demonstrative of hwo fucking shitte dmessed up the films are today they are pulp absolute pulp fuck you you know what fuck you i hate this fuckign thing i dont know why im still going going ogin i can think of nothing more to say it is just becoming repetetive there are no teat truths there are no revelatiois i do not recall being molested there are no secret phantom words there is only shit i know already and the grammar is fucking awful and i curse more because i cant think of bette r words to say and ai t rthe am i done yet i am close to done one more line i think will do it fuck you fuck all of you and gfuck this tshtittyy this shitty psychoballble shit

April 5, 2010 stream-of-consciousness

Today I will be beginning an experiment in stream-of-consciousness writing. I read about it online on a blog I read called gizmodo no wait what was it I can't remember Lifehacker that's it. They had an app for Facbook not an app really more of a what would you call it searching for the word a widget maybe that encouraged you to write seven hundred and fifty words a day; then it would run a stastistical analysis of your words to tell you what you were writing about but I took a pass on it because it required a Facebook account ot register and  wasn't keen on tying it to something with my actual name and information on it. So here I am writing and having explained all that I am beginning to run out of ideas I have had the thought of my personal information and I am afraid that what I will think of will be my name and so on but I suppose I can always edit that out later. I don't know how long I'm going to keep this up. I figure until the screen begins to scroll down is fine. I came to a resolution with my existential problems. I read about it on Wikipedia; it is called cognitive closure. I have realized that none of what I am worrying about is my probelm because I am a human and will only be around for so long. It is beyond me. I cannot. I can't it's just pintless there is no reason you can call it surrender but I call it peace I was so worried all the time and now I am doing better. I feel better. Spring has had a lot to do with it The weather made me feel better. I think I may be becoing ready to live my little human life. It all still worries me sometimes but that warm has made it easier to put out of my mind. Empitness I can think of nothing to say I will have to repeat nothingness for a while blue is my favorite color I have lost my sentence structure my arms are beginning to hurt .I am listening to a song; I think it is by Tom Waits; an early Tom Waits with a voice that is not so rough. It is too slow and like a pinao ballad. It is too peaceful. I think I would give it two stars but I can't stop until I've typed all ,my words. I wonder how many words I have typed. I am coming to no big new realizations about myself like you are supposed yo. I have heard this is a writing exercise too to make yourself write instead of being insecure and putting down nothing. This song is a Gorillaz song. It is very post-industrial and sort of grungey. I don't know if that is a proper word. It is far too late I should have gone to bed about an hour ago. This is in Spanish; why. Why why why? Must find something new to talk about. Today I went to work; I did very little work. This is normal. Should I abandon the capitalization and punctuation? That is how I am accustomed to typing but I think it is slowing me down. It makes my sthoughs more organized. And should I stop correcting my minor spelling error? I suppose that is breaking the flow too okay i will stop capitalizing i will stop punctuating i may even being to disregard grammar i do not know how i feel about this i do not like it very much it makes me type to fast i think when i think i thinkwith grammar and punctuation and correct spelling this is making it all feel much weirder and this spanish music is not helping no it is not helping at all maybe i will adapt by becoing more poetic maybe i will learn to speerate my phrases by the cadence and the words and not twith the artificially imposed thingies that are punctuation they are there just to seperate our thoughts but shouldnt each though be seperate without them you can almost consider them a crutch i ahave run out again but i must keep going i must keep going why am i doing this i want to write again i am bored i have spare time i hope maybe it will teach me something it is supposed to give revelations it is a tool for seeing like fasting or getting high it is a vision sort of thing it is a look into yourself i would like to have a look into myself i am unsure of myself i do not know where i am going to go or what i am going to do all i know is that ia ma vvery lonely and i want a woman my ex introduced me to a girl she seemed enthusiastic that i was interested but i am not so very interested she only seems nice now i am worried that i have gotten her hopes too far up i dont want to duisappoint her i don t want to offend my ex she is my friend and i never like to offend people anyways it was just a passing sort of thing well not really i brought it up deliberately i suppose it wouldnt hurt to gfive it a try but in any case anyways sh has a boyfriend well maybe not a boyfriend but she is seeing someone right not so it is not a problem right now this is metallica now is it no it is from early in their career the lead singer is very hih pitched he sound inexpert not the same at all as alter when he is deeper and more operatic and they are too fast and thier lyrics anre incomprehensible and their guitar work is not as good as later  do not know if i really know this much about metallica i am sure there are people who hey look i think i am done

Flowers

Today I walked down a boulevard lined with dogwoods. They were shedding their pink petals profusely. The petals were lying in drifts against the curb like snowbanks. I stopped for a moment to take a handful. A man came jogging by in the other direction, so I threw a cloud of pink petals into his path. His response was a startled, over-the-shoulder "Sorry." Way to kill the magic, random jogger. Here I arrange for your life to be a Disney movie for one brief moment and all you can do is be surprised and reflexively apologetic. That's the last time I orchestrate an unexpected shower of flower petals for a random stranger. Ingrates.

I woke early this morning to the smell of her facial cream.
The sun glared irritatingly up at me.
I failed to brush my teeth or shower.
I walked with squishy footprints down a winding yellow stair.
A small man with a rock on his head assailed me.
I kept walking.