April 7, 2010 stream-of-consciousness

so here we go now night three i am listening to gogol bordello the sng is called harem in tuscany i just watched the first third of an interview of al sharpton by stephen colbert lets just say this al sharpton seems to be a bit of a douchebag i mean im sure he does nice things for people but hes very stiff and was rude to colbert today i was walking and a had a black thought one of those thoughts that make my gut clench and my heart race only this time it didnt i think im getting better at letting it go its called cognitive closure it means i am a human and i will die and i know that after that is when i will have to deal with these things if ever since there wont really be an i then i;; be all apart i thought of it like this would you be afraid of being split into two people would you be afraid of being split into three for five how many until it isnt you any more how more until you are dead well we die all the time im not the same person i used to be that person is dead many many times over it doesnt bother me so the thought of a more abrupt change shouldnt either and in any case theres nothing ican do about it so there no point in worrying today i wore a new shirt its a very light color i dont normally wear colors so light i worried all day about whther the color contrast between it and my jeans was too great and whether it was making my jeans look too blue and whether i looked professional enough for work i know its silly and vain to think like that especially all day but i ahave always been very self-conscious about my appearance even though i like to act like im not and recently i have gotten even more sensitive about it because  am trying to attract women i have run out of things to say and tecnholoicx by daft punk is annoying me no irritiating no distracting yes thats what its doing i dont like this song a lot and i would change it but i cant stop typing at a very dfast reat until thes page is full i have to keep typing what a silly experiment i dont know why im still doing it nothing has come of it yet but then maybe someone else would disagree maybe they would look at this and say wow this means a lot maybe in the future i will read this and it will be like a note from a person who is dead because in the duute future i will be dead but i want my future me to know who i was this is a message to him i will haunt him as i am haunted by the ghosts of every me i have ever been they are all daed and thaey hang about my head in a swarm and sometimes i hear their sad memories and sometimes they grip me when i go to do a thing and sometimes i feel the feelings they used to feel but they are not me who i am now i have changed a lot and even if i had only changed a little it would still be this way cliffs ocean i remember the poem i wrote for you marie it was a poem about the sea i was only curious i remember i the poem it was nothing too serious it was nothing too big it was not a big deal just a passing thing i hope in time that can be true it is too much to me now it is too much i want it to be less i want anothr i want a person to have and to hold and to know me and iw ill know her and we will be together i know i type about this a lot it makes sense i think about it a lot it is my number one riority but i lack the skills and th courage i complain constantly and thn get nothing done i know it must irritate those around me who watch me do it james says i am doing much better but he walways says things like that he walways tries ot be friendly and encouraging like that what does he know marie would diasagree i am sure i am sure i am not sur ei don tknow i hate this song oh its over now its walk of life i like this song much more i thought of playing dwarf fortress the other day but i think i will not i did no work whatsoever today at work but i was thee for seven hours then i cahrged for eight because i needed to hit twenty hours amm i guilty sometimes yes a litle but not nearly eough melanie gave me elftover easter candy and christina didnt want any so i took it back to my desk and ate most of it i ate it and i didnt shareany of it i will get fat i know i wont because i dnt eat a lot now i wish id shared it but its to late wll its not oto late for tomorrow i have four kisses left i will give them to the people in the lab but i still had most of them i didnt make my donation to the food bank for my last two paycheck i feel bad about that too but feeling bad isnt going to feed the homeless why are they homeless anyways it isnt my probelm these ants thereyre everywhee theres one on my desk now i cant kill them because all of a sudden i love animals a lot like not that i am enthusiastic about them its just that when i go to kill an animal i think that they have feelings, they have qualia, i am sure that for ants especially they are nowhere near as complex as mine i am sure they dont hae lives or even emotions but still they have something and i cant just take that wayay life is awesome and i cant do decreasing it for no good reason so i tolerate them now times up